I Hate the Sunset Tonight

Photo taken by me. China Walls, Oahu, Hawaii. 2020

I hate the sunset tonight. I’m sitting on a beach and thinking of you and how you’re an ocean away when just yesterday you were here beside me. I remember the sunset on the night we met — orange and red like the gods were foreshadowing the flame that would catch after just a few hours together. I sat on the rooftop of my building admiring the sky, clueless to the universe’s anticipation.

I hate the sunset tonight. I turn to my friend with tears in my eyes and tell her it feels like there's a string tied around my heart and the other end is connected to yours. It might pull me into the water, dragging me to you, but I’m already drowning in sorrow. I would be dead before I reached you.¹

I hate the sunset tonight. All these colors remind me of the joy I can’t seem to find. Why did you have to make my world so dull?²

I hate the sunset tonight. Just last month we were at the top of Tantalus, discussing our future as the world turned dark. I hate the photo you took of me, smiling at you like you were my world when you already knew how you were going to turn it upside down.³

Tantalus, January 2021

I hate the sunset tonight. I never thought I would have to experience another one without you. Even though there are people here with me, I still feel lonelier than I have the last two years.⁴

I hate the sunset tonight and the way it’s signaling another night I’ll have to sleep without you. How many more of these will I have to endure? I don’t want to do this forever.⁵

I hate the sunset tonight. I’m waiting for the fireworks to start in Waikiki and realizing we never watched them together. How many times did I ask you to take me? It makes me angry that I still love you, despite everything left undone.

I hate the sunset tonight. I hope that one day the sight of it won’t remind me of you. I think I could learn to be okay with you never loving me again, as long as it meant I get to love the sunset once more.⁶

1. you will feel alive again.

2. the colors will return. life will be vibrant once more.

3. every wrong is remedied, in time.

4. you won’t.

5. you will build community. you will gain friends. you are loved.

6. its been 4 years and the sunsets just keep getting better.