moving is stressful...
especially when you're doing it all on your own
I have officially reached the two week mark until I move back to the mainland after being in Hawai’i for the last five years. If I’m being honest, I’m an anxious wreck. For the last week I’ve been waking up in the mornings feeling like I need to throw up, my body constantly in a state of panic. There is still so much I need to get done in such a short amount of time on top of trying to juggle grad school and going to work everyday. Moving is also very expensive, so I’ve had to ask my family for more help than I’ve ever needed before, which I don’t like because it makes me feel incapable of taking care of myself. There have been so many tears over the last two months, but I know everything will be okay and work out the way it’s supposed to.
I am also moving to a state I’ve never lived in before completely alone. I even have to leave my cats here in Hawai’i for a few months until I’m able to find a place closer to the area I actually want to be in. This is also contributing to my anxiety. I have had Luna since she was 2 months old and Sol since she was only 3 weeks. They’ve never known anyone but me as their caretaker and I don’t want them to think I’ve abandoned them. My mind also keeps going over worst case scenarios, like what if something happens to them and they go out thinking I didn’t love them and just gave them away. I know they will be in good hands; they’re staying with my best friend who I trust more than anything. They are also microchipped which makes me feel a little better as well. I just never thought I would have to be separated from them. They’ve kept me grounded for so long, in so many times of change and now I have to do this one on my own.
The idea of being completely alone in a new city is very daunting. I’m so used to having my community around me and there always being someone I can rely on. This is a completely new level of independence for me, but even though its scary I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and that this new chapter of my life will do nothing by help me level up and get to wherever my destiny calls for me to go next. This year has forced me to let go and let God as they say. I’ve had to put so much trust and faith in Creator and my Ancestors over the last few months and I’ve gotten to the point where I understand now that no matter how I try to control situations, they’re gonna happen the way God intended, but what She intends is always whats best so I can’t even stay mad because I can see exactly where I’m headed in the midst of the chaos.
The other day, I was sitting at home worrying about everything I had to do and if everything would be okay when some missionaries came to my door with a message. Jeremiah 29:11-14, which states:
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”
Although I am not Christian, I am a Hoodoo with a Reverend Ancestor that I venerate so I do often read and use the Bible in my practice. This verse came at just the right time, when I was once again getting in my head and living in fear and lack of trust in what Spirit has in store for me. I think it’s okay to be anxious and afraid. We are humans with human emotions. However, I do think it’s important to remember that those feelings won’t last forever and that we shouldn’t dwell in them so much that we block our blessings.
For now I’m trying to continue to remain positive and enjoy my last two weeks with the ‘ohana I’ve created here during my first five year stint of independence. I’m surrounded by so much amazing and beautiful scenery and I give thanks to the Most High and the Ancestors for allowing me to live and mature in such a spiritual place, because it was exactly what I needed after the abuse and trauma that tainted the years prior to me moving here. And I know that where I’m headed is also exactly what I need for who I am now.